Jealousy

We just returned from a family trip with my husband's side of the family and during the trip I found myself tripped up by an emotional feeling toward their ‘normal’. 

Everyone was there! 

Not a single family member was missing. I think it is nice for them, but the truth is, they know no difference. 

After some reflection, I came to a surprising observation. I am watching the world continue on. Families continue to go on their usual family trips and I am filled with a new feeling – jealousy. 

Growing up, our summer tradition was always a beach trip smack in the middle of the summer. When we were younger we would travel to the Outer Banks but as we got older, we traveled as a family to see many other places in the world. Not only did it give us a chance to connect, it was those family trips that helped build the unbreakable sibling bond we had - until the day we lost my brother. 

We started to plan our yearly summer trip a few months ago and the thought of going without my brother feels unbearably painful. The closer we get to going away, the stronger my sense of loss is becoming. What this year is going to look and feel like. Will we sit around the dinner table and talk about him? Will we pretend like everything is okay and just not say a word about his absence from our family? Both of those scenarios play out in my head and they feel incredibly unfair. 

When I see other families going on their annual summer trips I cannot help but feel envious of their ‘normal’. I imagine that everything in their lives remains the same and everything in my life feels different. I am jealous. 

My heart aches and the hole I feel without him will always make me long for what used to be. Our trips were always so colorful and loud with laughter. We made lifelong stories, played fun games on the beach. Now what? 

Griffin isn’t here, but I am. It has always been my role to be the protector and every part of me wants to abandon how I feel to cushion the pain for everyone in my family. 

I feel jealous and envious and maybe a dash of anger. I didn’t think I had arrived at the anger point yet, but here I am. This is a quiet, deep anger that my brother, such a light in our family, is gone.

So there you have it, I am sure I will heal and embrace our new ‘normal’ eventually but, for this first summer family trip I will probably need to accept that I am sad and angry and jealous all at the same time.

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Olivia Harrell lives in Baldwin, Maryland, with her husband, two young children, and a Bulldog named Lola. She lost her brother, Griffin, to an accidental overdose from Fentanyl on September 25, 2023. Her monthly blog examines the twists and turns of grief and healing. Olivia loves to spend time with her family, make sourdough from scratch, and exercise. She is also incredibly thankful for the community of LITT and invites others with a similar loss to participate in LITT’s Sibling Support Group. For more information click here.