Dread

Dread. That’s how I felt leading up to our first family vacation without my brother.

Deep dread. I did not want to go. I would have preferred to crawl into a hole and close my eyes and pretend that our life didn’t completely change almost one year ago. 

In my grief, I have also started to feel this new dread of the unknown. 

My grief sometimes feels like a chameleon, showing up differently in different scenarios seemingly conforming to what is going on around me. It’s sneaky.

As a mom of two young kids who were counting on me to happily “show up’, as the oldest daughter and, as the only sibling who could be there this year physically, I knew I couldn’t hide from this one.  

Surprisingly, it was nice to be forced to be present with everyone. I found myself enjoying the moments and creating new core memories with my family. I was able to take in the beauty around us. If you know me, you know that I hate the ocean, however, I am happy to report that this year, my kids got me out there! This trip felt oddly healing. We laughed, played, enjoyed beautiful weather, ate ice cream every single day and we enjoyed each other's company. 

We didn’t talk about him much, but that’s okay, I’m not sure we needed to.

I am a big believer in signs, and we surely got them a few times. Georgia Bulldog stickers on a few cars, a Bulldogs cooler from a family near us on the beach, cardinals on our morning walks… The signs felt like little hugs from Griffin and a reminder that he was close by. Maybe even with us on family vacation. 

These little “hugs” reminded me that although he may not be physically here, we can never deny his presence. 

This trip was a glimpse into our new normal. We didn’t choose this. We didn't want this. But we are here, going on family vacation without one of us and learning to keep moving through the feelings.

Now that I have this first family vacation without him under my belt, I know there will be moments of joy and laughter and those special new “hugs” from Griffin.

It makes me feel a little less dread and a little more love.

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Olivia Harrell lives in Baldwin, Maryland, with her husband, two young children, and a Bulldog named Lola. She lost her brother, Griffin, to an accidental overdose from Fentanyl on September 25, 2023. Her monthly blog examines the twists and turns of grief and healing. Olivia loves to spend time with her family, make sourdough from scratch, and exercise. She is also incredibly thankful for the community of LITT and invites others with a similar loss to participate in LITT’s Sibling Support Group. For more information click here.